Uh-oh! I wrote a villain song for Song of the Lioness: The Musical. I HOPE THAT’S NOT A PROBLEM. I took some (serious) liberties with the story, because I love me some regicide and couldn’t stop with Roger just wanting to kill his uncle’s line. Succession was FUNKY back in the day, so I decided he would be a little more cautious about who he let live in this version.

(ROGER sees his cousin out of the portrait gallery, smiling after him. Only when the door is shut does his expression sour. He pivots, looking up at a richly-framed series of royal portraits on the wall.)

ROGER

Our kingdom has a long and proud tradition

Of raising up our princes to be kings

Of teaching them diplomacy and reason

And all those other peaceful, wretched things

It’s been so many years we’ve all forgotten

The simpler way these things were often done

Time was, if you wanted to possess the royal crown

You just cut off the head that it was on

(ROGER’s gestures become wilder and more manic.)

I’ve been thinking for a while now that it’s getting kind of old

Signing boring treaties, doing everything I’m told

I’m sickened half to death with being the power behind the throne

And I’m pretty sure the answer is to get one of my own

The trouble that I’m facing is of course that it’s not mine

And if I want a decent shot it’s not just me in line

So if that castle on the hill is where I want to be

I think it might be time to prune the royal family tree

First there was Cousin Philip, well I think I left my mark

And Uncle Thomas shouldn’t have gone riding in the dark

I warned my brother Andrew about falling down the stairs

But the knife I put between his ribs just might have done its share

James we lost to fever but it didn’t help his case

That nightshade in your porridge is a tricky thing to trace

Aunt Bethany was a mistake, but everybody wins—

I found out after she was dead that she was having twins

(As ROGER says each name, he tears the associated portrait from the wall. Finally he approaches the largest portrait. It depicts the KING and QUEEN with JON, perhaps in his early youth.)

Now it’s time to put old Uncle Roald in the ground

And Aunt Liane is easy, she’ll go down without a sound

After that the sailing’s smooth, once that old pair is gone

Well then it’s time to turn my sights on dear sweet cousin Jon

It isn’t that I’m evil, please don’t think the worst of me

It’s just that bored and clever is an awful thing to be

Why settle for a pittance when you’re free to have it all

I’ll take their simple, petty lives and then I’ll take Tortall

(ROGER, delirious with power, sets the portrait on fire with a spark of magic. He watches with satisfaction as it burns, then whirls around to exit the room. For a moment, JON’s smiling face stares innocently through the flames. Then it is devoured.)

(The scene changes to reveal CORUS, where the BARD is reclining against a stack of barrels with his mandolin. All are listening with rapt attention to his tale. We can now see that the banners lining the street are various knights’ crests, a few of them detailing ALANNA’s lioness.)

BARD

So now you know the whole story.

MAN 2

I’m not convinced.

(The crowd turns on him, affronted, but the BARD holds up a hand.)

BARD

And why not?

MAN 2

All you’ve told us is a fable for children. You’re a bard, what do you know of the King’s champion?

ALANNA

A fair sight more than most, I imagine.

(All in attendance whip around to gape at ALANNA, who is leaning against a nearby wall with her arms crossed.)

ALANNA

Are you quite finished entertaining the local color?

(The BARD pushes back his hood to reveal a grinning GEORGE.)

GEORGE

For you, my lady, I think I can cut my performance short. How was your counsel with the King?

(ALANNA leans in to steal a kiss.)

ALANNA

Long. Tedious. And the Yemani emissary kept spouting metaphors about placid lakes and trees that bend in the wind.

(Finally, MAN 2 can no longer contain his shock.)

MAN 2

You’re the King’s champion?!

(ALANNA straightens up.)

ALANNA

I am.

MAN 2

But you’re a woman! What could a woman want with knighthood?

ALANNA

Well I’ll admit that the pay could be better.

(Laughter ripples through the crowd.)

ALANNA

There are women who make beautiful tapestries, or lovely gowns. There are ladies with finer voices than any songbird could pray the gods to give, and others who write great poems or dance like wind over water. Well I’ve always made a mess of my sewing, and I’m as tone-deaf as a mountain badger with earache. My poetry is dreadful and I’m sure my husband will be the first to tell you that I dance like a blind ox.

GEORGE

You dance beautifully! It’s the fault of my feet for getting in the way.

ALANNA

(fondly) Oh, shut up.

I could have turned my hand to any lady’s fine pursuit

Like playing on the harpsichord or painting bowls of fruit

I could have learned the ways of any dainty occupation

I had the opportunity… but not the inclination

If I’d been born another girl perhaps I would have seen

The point in learning every way to keep a household clean

But I was picked by destiny to walk a different road

To bear a different standard and obey a different code

I’ve travelled far across the land and everywhere I go

There’s one thing that is simple truth, that all the learned know

They can tell you what you’re meant to do, by custom or decree

But in the end each one of us is what we choose to be

(The crowd takes up the banners bearing ALANNA’s standard and wave them aloft, inspired by her story.)

ALL

So all hail Alanna the Lioness

She takes up her blade for all of us

Inspires and loves and shelters us

So sing out the song of the Lioness

ALANNA

Each of us is born with gifts to give the world we love

And no one has a destiny that they’re unworthy of

So when the time at last has come, the choice is ours to make

And whatever path we choose, that is the path we’re meant to take

In the end it never just comes down to right and wrong

The gods can give you any tune, but you must choose the song

So when you feel like giving in, or giving up the fight

Remember, I was born a maid but made myself a knight

ALL

So all hail Alanna the Lioness

She takes up her blade for all of us

Inspires and loves and shelters us

So sing out the song of the Lioness

ALANNA

There are always some who’ll tell you dreaming isn’t worth your time

And those are the same people who turned up their nose at mine

But dreamers find each other; you’ll make allies of your own

So even if you think you are, you’ll—

ALANNA & GEORGE

—never be alone

(ALANNA smiles at GEORGE, who grins back.)

ALANNA (and ALL)

So whether you were born to be a shepherd or a king (So all hail Alanna the Lioness)

The choice is yours, and if you strive you can do anything (She takes up her blade for all of us)

Each decision that you make becomes your sword to wield (Inspires and loves and shelters us)

As sure as I’ve become the lioness upon my shield (So sing out the song of the Lioness)

ALL

So sing out the song of the Lioness…

So sing out the song of the Lioness…

So sing out the song of the Lioness…

(ALANNA and GEORGE exit to fanfare, followed by the crowd. One of ALANNA’s banners flutters to the ground behind them, and after a moment a young girl peers out from behind a stone wall. She is dragging a crude wooden sword, clearly interrupted in the middle of playing at being a knight. She reaches down hesitantly and picks up the discarded banner, staring at the bold golden lioness emblazoned across it.)

KELADRY

So sing out the song of the Lioness…

(Blackout.)

THE END

This song is sung right before intermission, after Alanna’s identity has been revealed and she chooses to leave.

Lioness

(ALANNA’s friends stand all around her, supportive and kind. She thanks them each in turn. All leave except GEORGE.)

ALANNA

George, you’ve been so wonderful, and you have been so good

You listened and you guided me when no one understood

The light that you have given me shines brighter than the sun

But now I must ride out and earn the shield that I have won

GEORGE

I wish you wouldn’t go

But in my heart I know

If this is what you feel that you must do

I want it more than anything for you

I know more than anyone the need to run and roam—

(spoken) Just promise me one thing.

ALANNA

(spoken) What?

GEORGE

Come home.

(GEORGE kisses ALANNA quickly, nothing like passionate but still full of affection and sweetness. Then he too turns and exits. ALANNA stares after him for a long moment in shocked silence.)

ALANNA

What could he have meant

With all the time we’ve spent

Enough to make me wonder, should I stay…?

(ALANNA looks down at her shield.)

(spoken) No.

I’ve come too far to falter here today

I’ve faced so many challenges, but none like what I must

And even though I know that we all come to the same dust

I will take this blade in hand and raise it to the sky

And ride on out to glory with my head and shield held high

Goddess be my witness, I will walk the road ahead

And anyone who doubted me will doubt my foes instead

For Alanna of Tortall will never hide herself in shame

I will restore the honor of my knighthood and my name

So don’t tell me that it’s pointless, don’t tell me it won’t last

For hope can make the future so much brighter than the past

It all unfolds before me like a painted crimson field

And to cross it I must be the lioness upon my shield

A love song from Song of the Lioness: The Musical.

GEORGE

I’ve always been the one who slipped away

Before the dawn’s first light

A man who whispers words of love

But only in the night

But now I find the morning’s come

And I don’t want to run

So tell me what strange spell you’ve cast

Oh tell me what you’ve done

Because this love is the truest thing I’ve known

And I’d give anything to have the world you’ve shown

We’ll face it all together, side-by-side

So there’s no need to hide

Just stay with me

And never be

Alone

ALANNA

I thought that if I gave a man my heart

He’d take my freedom too

That wedding rings were shackles that

No dagger could cut through

But I see a world behind your eyes

That’s beautiful and strange

And if I give my heart to you

I’ll have yours in exchange

BOTH

And now that you’re beside me you’ve

Brought color to the gray

And what I thought was living was

Just waiting for this day

And everything is changing

And I don’t know where I stand

But I know we can do anything

If we are hand-in-hand

Because this love is the truest thing I’ve known

And I’d give anything to have the world you’ve shown

We’ll face it all together, side-by-side

So there’s no need to hide

Just stay with me

And never be

Alone

Stand by for some ridiculously sappy shit you guys.

It’s gonna get real.

(And by real I mean gross.)

I couldn’t hear you over the loud character introduction song I wrote for George.

History is full of handsome rogues and charming devils

And believe me baby when I say that people love a rebel

So since I was a child of three

My hands have been too fast to see

In thievery I’m master of the revels

‘Cause what’s yours is mine

And boy I think you’ll find

That whether it’s your purse or lady’s heart

By the time you turn around

I’m nowhere to be found

‘Cause a moving target ain’t no easy mark

Well when I was a boy I went out begging for my bread

But it didn’t take too long for me to get it through my head

That if you really wanna live

You’ve gotta take what they won’t give

So I threw away my bowl and stole instead

Now I’m grown and own the streets and yeah they own me too

These days there’s nothing I can’t steal, no lady I can’t woo

And even though I’ve got no crown

I’m king of every cutpurse now

And there’s no use denyin’ ‘cause it’s true

That what’s yours is mine

And boy I think you’ll find

That whether it’s your purse or lady’s heart

By the time you turn around

I’m nowhere to be found

‘Cause a moving target ain’t no easy mark

Yeah honey I’m the king of thieves, you’re standing in my court

I guess beside the palace it might fall a little short

But it’s got music and cheap wine

And the barkeep’s girl is mighty fine

A brawl a day is nothing to report

So grab a chair and grab a pint and let yourself relax

Keep one eye on your pocket and one hand on your axe

‘Cause while I’d like to be a friend

There’s something on which I depend

That everybody owes his king a tax

What’s yours is mine

And boy I think you’ll find

That whether it’s your purse or lady’s heart

By the time you turn around

I’m nowhere to be found

‘Cause a moving target ain’t no easy mark

What’s yours is mine

What’s yours is mine

No a moving target ain’t no easy mark

Ladies and gentlemen, the opening scene! If you can call it that. It’s too short by half and needs a new closer. And it’s cheesy as all fuck but I watched Robin Hood the other day and some part of me was like CLEARLY THE BARD IS THE MEDIUM THROUGH WHICH ALL STORIES SHOULD BE TOLD. So. That.

(Open on CORUS. People are bustling about buying vegetables or whatever it is people do in CORUS. Probably there are baskets involved.)

WOMAN 1

Don’t push dear, don’t shove!

PRIEST

Give praise to Them above!

MAN 1

Just last week it only cost—

WOMAN 2

Will you tell them that you’re lost?

MAN 1

—For that price? You must be mad!

MAN 2

My coinpurse— Stop that lad!

PRIEST

Their vengeance will be swift and just!

BEGGAR

I beg you sir, a meager crust—

ALL

It’s been a tough year for the harvest

And the winter was too cold

But here in Corus food is plentiful

And our children can grow old

For our king is wise and mighty

A man to pledge allegiance to

And the champion at his right hand

Is strong and brave and true

A knight so bold and valorous

No other could compare

With a sword swift and decisive

And a hand that’s just and fair

MAN 1

They say that she has beauty too

Like a flower with sharp thorns—

MAN 2

(spoken) Wait, wait. She? I thought we were talking about a knight.

WOMAN 1

(spoken) We are!

MAN 2

(spoken) But that’s preposterous! Back home in Carthak any woman who sought to be a knight would be condemned for madness.

(The strumming of a mandolin is heard. The crowd parts to reveal the BARD.)

BARD

(spoken) Then it’s fortunate we’re in Tortall.

Tortall where each man’s destiny is what he wills it be…

(spoken) Or she, for that matter. But you say you’ve never heard of the King’s champion?

MAN 2

(spoken) I haven’t heard that your king is knighting milkmaids and flowersellers, if that’s what you’re asking.

BARD

(spoken) Then perhaps it’s best that we start at the beginning. Perhaps it’s best that we start with a little girl’s big dreams.

(CORUS disappears in a swell of music, replaced by the rolling hills of TREBOND.)